Sunday, 10 October 2010

Cheryl Cole/Tweedy Makes Me Want To Eat My Own Head

I can't take it any more. I see her big wet doe eyes everywhere like an advert for guide dog puppies staring at me from magazines, TV screens and the net. It's driving me insane. It's like someone jabbing me with an annoying little stick for weeks on end. There is something about that Cheryl woman that just drives me to apoplexy. I'm sure she is a delightful person to know, as long as you've forgotten her racist assault. How someone that attacked someone and yelled racist abuse at them can be seen as something of a national treasure just defies belief. For crying out loud, she's telling people 'We're so worth it' in ads for hair products and adorning the walls of kids the country over. Great role model work there, Chezza.

There are so many pictures of one of her two facial expressions at the moment that walking past a newsagent is like seeing some grotesque flip-book in action. SINCERE CHERYL. Smiley Cheryl. SINCERE CHERYL. Smiley Cheryl. SINCERE CHERYL. Smiley Cheryl. SINCERE CHERYL. Smiley Cheryl. Something else that irks me isn't really her fault (more rather her PR people who probably float the 'rumours'), but that of the cheap rags that publish stuff about her. NEW PAIN FOR CHERYL. CHERYL'S HEARTACHE. What next? CHERYL'S FLATULENCE?

It's no wonder the poor little thing has turned into some fake-tanned somnambulist. The rapid-fire succession of nonsense surrounding her has evidently melted her brain. Oh yeah, and she's a karaoke judge as well isn't she? This amazes me. How can someone who has spent their entire professional career having her every vocal note processed and tweaked in ProTools/Logic/Cubase/Whatever actually pass judgement on people who are actually singing? An anyway, she only found fame through a game show in the first place. It's hardly like she's Ella Fitzgerald. Take a listen to her solo stuff. If you can stomach it. Mmmmm, taste those auto-tuned tones.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the malaria. Oh POOR Cheryl. Poor little rich, violent racist thug. Yes, it's awful that she suffered from it, but it was one hell of a profile boost amidst all the other shit that was supposed to be going on at the same time. Cynical? Nah. Just jaded. Cheryl, you might be lovely, but I am so very, very sick of the sight of you. Couldn't you at least catch another tropical disease and offer us some proper entertainment?

PS: Nadine's new solo single is shite, but it's a million times more entertaining than any of your own stuff. So there.

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