Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Ten Atrocities Of The Modern Age

There are some wonderful things around right now in the world. Wonderful technological advances, delightful foods from around the world and all manner of cultural morsels that perfectly capture the here and now. Then there are the other things, aspects of the modern age that make me cringe, that encourage me to seethe and fume, swear and flail in incoherent rage.

These things really shouldn't bug me so much, what with me being a sane, rational person and all, but they do. Below are listed ten hideous examples of the tat that pollutes the modern age. By no means a comprehensive list of everything that is wrong with the world, it is a snapshot of the present, and could also be seen as a list of ways to make me angry. Believe me, a seething bald comic geek isn't something anyone wants to see, so do tread with caution.

Crocs
Plastic shoes that look like they're intended for giant gnomes? Horrible, horrible things. They're ugly, impractical and, well, ugly and impractical. They make the wearer look like they have their foot stuck in some duplo. A blight upon humanity.

Ke$ha

This autotune-soaked bag lady has all the musicality of a post-curry fart. That's to say, damp, lengthy and vile. She is apparently aiming at a long career with a future as a singer-songwriter. Hmm. I give it six months before the inevitable sex tape surfaces and bumps up her plummeting sales before she's dropped by her label and ends up doing PAs in scabby little clubs.

Glee

"But it's so GOOD!" squeal the faithful. "But it introduces so many people to classic music!" yell the devoted. "But it's so WHOLESOME!" cry the target demographic. Glee is karaoke with some token minority characters added as a big, cynical marketing ploy. The whole thing is about as believable as the lip-synching. It is essentially the Saved By The Bell of the 2010s, minus the benefits of Screech or Mario Lopez' mullet.

Sweet Chilli Everything
I like sweet chilli. I like the taste of it. I just don't approve of the way it has been inserted into everything under the sun of late. What next, sweet chilli body spray? Sweet Chilli washing up liquid? Why not go the whole hog and get some sweet chilli shower gel?

Jeggings

The word 'Jeggings', much like 'Chillax' and 'Guesstimate' makes my blood boil far more than it should. After all, these things are a temporary fad at best. Soon enough they'll go the same way that stonewashed denim waistcoats went- down the waste disposal of bad taste. Hopefully with the wearers still inside them.

Celebrity Autobiographies
Celebrity autobiographies are wonderful when they're by people that have actually had a career to write about. Check the shelves of your local bookshop- they are lined with books by fascinating people, but a growing number of them are by people who have either contributed nothing of worth to modern culture (Reality show contestants, Katie f**king Price) or are far too young to have actually done enough to fill a book (Justin f**king Bieber). Such is fame. You have to be old before you've had a chance to be young.

Hipsters With No Socks On

It's not big and it's not clever. Guys have been wandering the streets of the UK all winter with half a haircut, flimsy sand shoes, low-cut t-shirts, cardigans and NO SOCKS. I realize how old this makes me sound, but you're going to catch your death, you twee little hipster bastards. And no, your 'ironic' beard won't keep you warm. It just makes you look like the pompous, tasteless little twats that you clearly are.

PS: Stop pretending you know who The Smiths are.

Orange People

Fake tan has apparently replaced personalities in a lot of people. It astounds me that you can actually go to places where you pay money to be sprayed with orange paint in order to look like a giant Oompah Loompah in the name of fashion. You don't look sexy. You look like the middle of a Jaffa cake wrapped around some raw meat. It's not convincing at all, and only serves to make you easier to spot when the inevitable zombie apocalypse/alien invasion happens. Run, meat targets- run!

Cheryl Cole

The single most pointless individual on the face of the planet aside from Jimmy Carr, Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Little Miss Perfect is like a blister that just won't pop and sod off. A voiceless, airbrushed personality vacuum, she has built a career on being a violent thug and easy to cheat on. Hmmm, great role model for kids eh?

Your/You're,Their/There/They're

Facebook is rife with this. Hell, the WORLD is spattered with the misuse of the English language. fair enough if it's not your first language, I can understand typos there, but when you are brought up English or English speaking, there's no excuse at all for getting these words the wrong way around.

Their structure makes perfect sense, and seriously, it's not that hard to find the apostrophe key. Example: ''''''''''''''''. See? Or r u 2 busy sayin stuf lyk dis? Quick, stop trying to be orange while listening to Cheryl Cole, eating your sweet chilli turtle face sandwiches, wearing Crocs and Jeggings and leafing through your monosyllabic celebrity books and learn how to use your own language without sounding like you're typing with your knees.

Bah.

2 comments:

Neil said...

grumpy day on planet geek?

boysinister said...

Hell Yeah!!! Keep fighting those idiots like a metal-head Dan Ashcroft :)