Monday, 31 October 2011


There's only so much vacant-eyed preening I can deal with before I really want to stuff people face-first into a giant cannon and aim them at the moon. Celebs, hereafter referred to as 'Slebs', are rife with candidates for being sent on a one-way moon mission sans oxygen, and here are an initial ten suggestions (of many thousands of contenders) so I can make plans for early acts of my New World Order. They are in no order, as giving them numbers would only seem to humanize them somehow, albeit only a little.

Kim Kardashian 
The princess of being famous for being famous, Kim Kardashian has a face that makes me shoot white-hot lasers made of rage from my eyes while screaming incoherently. She has no talent, the IQ of a sun-baked dog poo and is clearly some failed clone of Nicole Scherzinger. In fact, chuck in her vile sisters too and I'd be happy to hit the big red Moon button.

Jimmy Carr 
I hear that he is a lovely guy to meet, but I am yet to be convinced that Jimmy Carr and his eyebrows are anything but agents of Satan. Everything about him oozes contempt, and his every mannerism and vocal quirk inspires apoplexy in this household. Please, for the sake of our future as a species, get him off the TV and into that limbo of faded Slebs opening supermarkets on warzone council estates.

This is one Sleb in particular that makes me proud that I am British and am safely thousands of miles away from America. The whole Jersey Shore gang deserves flinging into a lunar oubliette, but Snooki would need a special place of her own. A place full of vipers with laser fangs who can sweat hand grenades.

Cher Lloyd 
She can take her Swagger Jagger and stuff it where Cheryl Cole's stolen face doesn't shine. As a pop singer, she is a disgrace. She has no voice, no range, no songwriting skills and no desire to be anything remotely interesting. A fine contender to be strapped to the wing of the ship sending these lumps of wasted carbon into space.

Kanye West 
Because he is clearly a bit of a twat.

David Guetta 
The smug grin. The lazy stubble. The greasy hair. The vague air of trying to hard to be cool. The endless trite dance tracks with no artistic merit whatsoever. Big whoop, you can make a 4/4 dance beat and get some harpy or other to warble over it. I raise a staunch middle finger at the ubiquitous build-ups before a bouncy refrain. He will be sentenced to an eternity listening to a loop of PJ & Duncan's 'Let's Get Ready To Rumble' mixed with a backfiring car engine.

Nicki Minaj 
SHE HAS NO VOICE. Yes, she can rap quickly, but have you ever seen any live footage? She can barely even sound remotely like the processed, tweaked and polished version of herself during her oh-so-clever verses, and then she doesn't even sing the choruses. Oh, and her eyes and teeth terrify me. She looks like a Real Doll, only with a less convincing arse.

Chris Brown 
No matter how many cheerful pop ditties he comes out with, no matter how many videos he fills with laughing children and 'Beautiful people', he'll never get away from the fact that he beat up one of the most famous women in the world. It wouldn't have mattered if she was unknown, though. Attacking the woman you are supposed to be in love with is reprehensible and can never be forgiven. Now there's something you can't hide with auto-tune and a flashy dance sequence, dickhead.

Taylor Lautner 

Russell Brand 
I'm glad he's pissed off to be in films in America. It keeps his frighteningly pointy face off our TVs for a while. And which prick thought it'd be a good idea to cast him in a role originally made famous by Dudley Moore? Where is the sense in that? In fact, where is the sense in Russell Brand? As comedian Brendan Burns once said; “He looks like an advert for Hepatitis.”

Ladies and gents, all aboard! Next stop - LUNAR HELL!!!

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