Sunday, 27 January 2013

STAR WARS EPISODE VII: Predictions for the Abrams Continutaion


So now It's been officially confirmed that JJ Abrams will be helming the new Star wars movie, the internet can properly get underway with making ill-judged predictions and get carried away with massive amounts of fannish dreaming until we find out any genuine details about the project. This stuff is what the internet was made for, aside from cats and porn.

I see these days as a moment when the old school nerds amongst the now-culturally-essential-web can reclaim some of our basement-dwelling glory and get back to flaming each other about old sci-fi. Well, will everything old being new again, I guess this thirty-plus year old franchise is new again, so here are a few (not entirely serious) predictions for this brand new Star Wars adventure from Disney/Lucasfilm/JJ Abrams.


 -Lens flares shaped like Mickey Mouse within five seconds of the opening text crawl ending. 

-Background cameos from the Cloverfield monster, LOST characters and the USS Enterprise.

 -No politics (oh please, please PLEASE no politics).

-Absolutely no material from the Expanded Universe, essentially invalidating thirty years of people spending money on what was basically a dead film franchise.

-villains far more compelling than Sidious/Dooku/Grievous/Maul.

-space battles edited as though the camera has a painfully short attention span.

-shaky cam. However, IF ABRAMS USES SHAKY CAM DURING ANY SCENES INVOLVING LIGHTSABERS, I SHALL NOT BE PLEASED AND MAY BE FORCED TO BLOG ABOUT IT.

-gorgeous, lingering panning shots of spacecraft (Mmmmm).

-a ludicrously attractive cast, even for roles which should be kinda gnarly.

-Zoe Saldana (isn't she in his contracts or something? Heh)

-a lady Sith lord. Probably Zoe Saldana.

-Gungans being tortured. Possibly even crucified (that may just be wishful thinking).

Above all, what I'm expecting is a really good film, which is all we can really hope for after so many people were disappointed with the prequels. To be honest, I was really hoping Joss Whedon would get the gig, as his skills with ensemble casts would have made for a much more gung-ho Star Wars than the prequels (think about it – that Serenity/Avengers/Buffy ensemble feel in the Star wars universe with a rag-tag band of heroes – that would be perfect). Well, really what I wanted to see was Mal and the crew of the Serenity kicking the Sith's ass, but thats the fanboy in me getting carried away. Here's to the future of Star Wars – I'm pleased it's got one now!

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