Sunday, 30 September 2012

On My Hatred Of MUSE

I hate MUSE. I hate them so much, and yet, millions of people all over the world love the whiny bastards to bits. Each to their own and all, but I can't stand them, their lumpen dirge or their apparent status as the Second Coming. I can't bloody stand them.

This all stems from seeing them live back in 1999, opening up for LIVE (Remember them? They were shit as well), at a gig that was so very awful it has echoed down the years as a symbol of how to get music wrong.

That night, back in the mists of time, was an agonizing chore to get through. Their set was so hideously bland and painful to watch that I wanted to pull the top of my skull off and rummage around in my brain for the 'Off' switch.

Here and now they are worshipped as geniuses, but all I hear is a shiny production and songs which any old indie pub band could do. The 'scale' and 'progishness' that people speak endlessly of in regards to their banal drivel are both products of hiring a good producer.

Would I have a different opinion if I hadn't suffered that terrible support slot set years ago? No. They're shite, and they'll always be shite. Millions may love them, but all I see and hear from them is a very highly polished turd.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Dear Dimension Films, Can I Please Write The Next Hellraiser?

Hi everyone at Dimension Films. I'd like to make a request if I may. Could I please write the next Hellraiser film? As a long-time fan of the films, the mythos and the concept created by Clive Barker, I would seriously like to write you a script for a new Hellraiser film which would be low on budget but high on tension and hopefully be enjoyed by the Hellraiser dieheards whilst still bringing new fans on board.

I realise that Hellraiser: Revelations was a film made very quickly and under a great deal of pressure, with a tiny budget, and that film was almost universally panned by fans and critics alike.

I would like to have a stab at providing a script for a chilling and claustrophobic horror thriller which fits the Hellraiser mythos perfectly while not costing a great deal to produce.

Why? Because I want to see the Hellraiser series continue, and get back some of the love which has been lost along the way. The remake's coming eventually, I know, but while the series continues to live on DVD, as a fan I'd love to bring other fans something they would enjoy. I'll write it for free. Please do get in touch.

(Well, it's worth a try, eh?)

Sunday, 9 September 2012

DREDD: This is more like it

It pleases me greatly that the new Judge Dredd film, aka DREDD or DREDD 3D, is going down well right now. I'm yet to see it, but will be going this week in order to join in the fun. The 1995 judge Dredd movie with Sylvester Stallone had its moments, but it was a woeful missed opportunity. Now we have a dark, gritty, violent take on the character, much more in keeping with his 2000AD roots, the world is finally getting a proper taste of what that comic has to offer the world in terms of movie potential.

I really am excited about this movie, and that's not happened about  new release all that much in years. I hope that 2000AD sees a sharp increase in sales too, as it is literally the only decent british comic being published now. Karl Urban looks and sounds just like Judge Dredd should, and while there will undoubtedly be things that are different, it seems that we finally have the definitive screen Dredd at last. It's been a long time coming.

Full review to follow, probably over at Diary of a Genre Addict.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

What is the appeal of Nicki Minaj?

I realise I am about as far away from her target demographic as it gets, but seriously, what is the appeal of Nicki Minaj? Beyond raunchy videos and a bit of oh-so-naughty foul language, there seems to me to be nothing to her but rapid-fire gibberish.

Rap isn't my thing, nor R n' B (although the real definition of the term, i.e. Rhythm and Blues, is fine by me), but even with those dire excuses for music I can see the appeal to fans who do like them. Nicki Minaj is different though, like a hip-hop Lady Gaga, but without a voice or any musical talent whatsoever.

Her main contribution to that single 'Pound the Alarm', or whatever it is, appears to be jiggling her boobs at the camera in order to take attention away from the fact that the vocals sound nothing like her voice (find live footage of her – she can't hit a single note beyond the spoken range, and most of her chorus lines are prerecorded).

So, is Nicki Minaj nothing more than some clever marketing and some soft porn music videos? Seriously, in all honesty I don't see what the fuss is about. Mind you, she got a reaction out of me, so she must be doing something right. Possibly 'Employing Bright Marketers'. Personally I'd like to see her fired out of a large cannon into some form of spacial anomaly. (awaits being flamed by people who can't get 'your' and 'you're' right)

Sunday, 2 September 2012

My next book... VHS ATE MY BRAIN

So following on from the geek antics of BAGGED AND BOARDED: LIFE ON PLANET GEEK, my next adventure in all things cult and obscure is entitled VHS ATE MY BRAIN. 

A chronicle of life as a video addict, bad film connoisseur and now collector of weird films on this beautiful dead format, it will be told with my typical breed of humour, affection and foaming at the mouth. Geek ahoy :) Coming in October from Dreamrider Media.